In each scenario, the researchers asked subjects to interpret what their partners were saying. Social science researchers have repeatedly demonstrated the closeness-communication bias in experimental setups where they paired subjects first with friends or spouses and then with strangers. “We weren’t really listening to each other, which made it harder for us to really know each other.” “When my sister moved, we were forced to recognize we had all these preconceived notions about who the other was,” Ms. They had spent most of their lives sleeping in the same room, going to the same schools, attending the same parties, competing in the same sports, and playing in the same band. Kaleena, now the owner of a company that makes cocktail bitters in Chattanooga, Tenn., said she and her twin had previously been inseparable. Kaleena Goldsworthy, 33, told me it was a shock when her identical twin, Kayleigh, decided to move to New York City 10 years ago to pursue a career in music. It can occur even when two people spend all their time together and have many of the same experiences. The closeness-communication bias is at work when romantic partners feel they don’t know each other anymore or when parents discover their children are up to things they never imagined. The sum of daily interactions and activities continually shapes us, so none of us are the same as we were last month, last week or even yesterday. It’s kind of like when you’ve traveled a certain route several times and no longer notice signposts and scenery.īut people are always changing. Once you know people well enough to feel close, there’s an unconscious tendency to tune them out because you think you already know what they are going to say. It’s called the closeness-communication bias and, over time, it can strain, and even end, relationships. During my two years researching a book on listening, I learned something incredibly ironic about interpersonal communication: The closer we feel toward someone, the less likely we are to listen carefully to them. “You’re not listening!” “Let me finish!” “That’s not what I said!” After “I love you,” these are among the most common refrains in close relationships.
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